Bydood

Tag: reality

  • My perspective…

    Admitting to your problem brings you one step closer to recovery…

    All I’ve been doing lately in conversations are mainly admitting to how I truly feel towards certain situations. I think that I have lifted a big weight from my back throughout the last few months and to understand that my problems don’t even compare to what other people have to deal with. Makes me feel so ignorant… All I have been doing is complaining and what is unfair… I wish I could help those who really need help but to find a solution from a third person perspective is too difficult and to top it all off, how can I help others if I can’t even help myself?! To store balance for others to believe in hope again is truly hard however, to believe it a little is good enough. We are all in it together so it kind of overrides my statement! So share, and appreciate one another… The opportunity is so rare and would be a shame to dismiss anyone in your life otherwise regret is where you will end up in…
    Speaking of regret, I recently heard the news of my friend back in Secondary School who died. It was the most shocking news I ever had to receive… Although I have not met him in many years, I had once had the opportunity to greet him but it really is too late to. And to find out that my friend who was really close to him called me to let me know the situation, it was heartbreaking to know that this has happened, what he had to deal with and I couldn’t even do anything about it but say “I’m sorry to hear”… I’ve never had to be in that predicament so I was completely speechless but just listen to the words he spoke. I spent my evening moping around and thinking what life is truly about. To find out that we have no clue what will happen tomorrow is terrifying! We are on a path but have no clue where the end is. But the way I see to know that I can end without regrets is mainly to appreciate what I have. I am not there just yet but I will some day… I know there are loads of others who are going through more crap than I am but I just need to know that I am ok before I help anyone else… As selfish as that sounds, it is what I believe I should do!

    So what can I do?! Motivate… Understand… And learn! We can never say we know everything but we grasp as much as we can.

    I think it’s about time I learn to play an instrument… I want to relieve stress a bit. A new section will probably open up in this blog site so be sure to look out for it… I also believe it is time to spend more time with family. They’ve been there for me and they deserve to have a good time every now and again.

    What can I say to those who have been in my life? The only words that fit correctly… Thank you…

  • Where am I standing?

    The date… Once very special… Now a mere memory…
    So today is supposed to be that day where I celebrate the yearly anniversary with my ex girlfriend… Supposedly the 7 year mark. Usually we go out somewhere briefly to eat since it landed on a weekday and prepare some form of gift for each other too… I know it’s the new year so I won’t think too much into it but I do wonder and the only way to better myself is to feel what I need to feel right? But somehow, I’m not upset. I feel good right now. Although my life has changed drastically, maybe this is how my life should be lived. And who knows, in the next few months or years, I may bump into her and we can truly be friends. Thinking ahead is so vital and since it is a new start now, I can start planning my life! Work, money, friends, and maybe new girlfriend? Lets see where destiny brings me… 
    So my new year started with lazing around the house, waiting for my phone to return to me since I left with my mate accidentally. It’s amazing how this one little device can change my mood instantly. With my feelings fluctuating without my phone, I could not stand the fact I cannot contact my friends for one day! The amount of reliance on this device is something I should not be proud of. Imagine if I lost it… I’d probably lose it! I need to segregate my life from technology to prepare what happens next… Maybe technology could be one of the reasons why I am lazy? Leaving my phone with my friend was the test from destiny indicating to stop relying on it! So is this an eye opener or something I should ignore? So lazing around the house was not a great thing to do however, I blame it on the evening I had… I woke up at 2pm but the rest of it was just watching episodes… Receiving my phone was a huge relief! I immediately turned on my phone and then checked who messaged! Quite a few messages I missed but the most popular thing spammed was the “Happy New Year” messages but all good. For another hour, I just messaged everyone explaining why I was not responding to their messages.
    As I stand on the train, I begin to think about projects and as a result, I feel like creating a public chat client. This is a test towards my programming skills to see where my level currently stands. I feel as though I’ve lost my sense of direction in terms of development. When I was once asked “what do you want to be?”, my mind returned a blank variable! I saw myself in games programming but with where I am sitting, I am still where I was when I first graduated! Maybe now with experience but nonetheless, my development skills have decreased all due to motivation…
    Generally, I am hyped about getting my development skills back to scratch. My hands itch for the keyboard to develop my own things and this chat client is beneficial for me… Simple and fun…
    The thing I lack most lately is single player games. Multiplayer is limited and completely different from a casual single play. You have story, learning about the character, background… I remember playing all these games but I need to revive that part of me again. It all comes down to motivation…
    Having friends? Going out? Bad thing about that is the spending but it is absolutely worth it if you do not want to go crazy at home…
    So far, I am happy with what I am listing down now but to execute these actions is the main issue… Lets hope it goes well…
    All the best…

  • Happy New Year! 2013 should be something amazing…

    We made it. Another year…
    A lot of speculation was being said for 2012 but nothing really went down but as we kept thinking about it, the hype died down and here we are today. If anything, 2012 was without a doubt a bad year for relationships (as mentioned before) since I’ve heard many stories about break ups from friends… As well as myself. But it’s a New Year. For those who are dwelling, it’s time to start fresh. The games have reset and the timing to improve yourself has come. Use this year as a sign. If the end of the world did not happen, then it shows we have purpose. Make that purpose happen and believe what you want to do. Regrets, doubts and fear are some of the many elements that will try stop you but it’s time to step up and give it your all. At the end of this year, I think we all want to say “I had a great 2013!” What do we have to lose?
    For me? Well, it’s simple. My aim is to make friends, live a little, drink less, think less and do more, exercise, be healthy and spend less… Oh and eat more! As typical as these sound, I feel as though these areas are not yet accomplished for me and I need to explore them thoroughly.
    So what did I do to celebrate the New Year? It was something quite special. Realising who have been there for me and spent time just to talk is something to cherish. So after work (yes I worked through New Years Eve),  I went down to China town for a meal. Although I was second to be at the destination, we grabbed our booked table and waited for the others. Eventually, the whole table arrived, we ate and moved to the next destination. Now this was mighty confusing. With the roads being blocked and the crazy amounts of people being on the roads for the fireworks display and public transport being on a halt, it was absolutely horrendous to get to the club. We walked through the blistering cold bumping into the loud crowds with beer cans. Half way through, we decided to give up and watch the fireworks. Although we did not have the best view for it, we did see the display and the initial set of fireworks was absolutely terrible. But then towards the end, the fireworks just went crazy and blowing up like mad! Overall, it was a average display. Was not the best I’ve seen but I appreciate the effort. At the end of this, we continued our journey to the nearest tube as public transport was running again. We got to the club and got through the most disorganised queue I’ve ever been in. This club was unbelievably small! The music and DJ was horrific. There were some good songs but VERY little. After the dancing and the impossibly crazy queues presented just to get a drink, we decided to leave 3 hours before the club closed. Being that time, it was good timing as tubes were quite empty and we had a pleasant train ride home. Although, I gave my mate my phone to call the minicab service and forgot to grab it back, it was a night to remember however I wouldn’t say it was the best night; we made the best we could for the night. Ending up home about 5am, I just rushed to my bed and went straight to sleep.
    This was not the best way to start the new year but spending it with friends and all, we had a laugh, we drank… It was pleasant. So I’m glad we went out anyway. 
    So I’ll end it with this. New year, new problems, start fresh! Happy New Year all! 

  • Did Christmas just go by? Didn’t even notice it…

    Many things in this world is hard to live with… But we deal…

    There seems to be so much we deal with on a day to day basis and yet, we have to deal with more smaller things? It’s strange how a human brain works. We have the choice to make it simple and just let things go but then there are others who like to just drag things on. But like I said before, people have different mind sets so there is nothing I can do but try and understand them…

    My Christmas was literally a normal day… Just at home keeping busy. But the night before felt a little festive as my friends and I had a Christmas meal and just ended the night with cards and watching music videos. It was probably my first time ever spending Christmas Eve with friends and quite honestly, it was worth it. I enjoyed myself. For Boxing Day, I thought I’d make an attempt for the sales. I feel like it was a big mistake! Mind you, I made it to Oxford street at 4pm using the useless London transport! It was really bad! Eventually getting there, walking into several shops was an absolute mess! I could not shop for clothes as it was mostly on the floor; felt like I was shopping in everyone’s filth. I ended up deciding to stop by the nearest coffee shop and having a mocha. Sitting there regretting my action to be at the high street, I felt like I couldn’t go home empty handed so after 30 minutes, I got up and decided to head into HMV and turns out I bought quite a few DVDs! They were surprisingly cheap! Probably bought around 7.
    Walking out of HMV, I knew it was time to head home since I’ve accomplished my one mission; not leaving empty handed. The bus was a pain in the arse! It was packed and there was traffic! As soon as I got home, I was so glad to find my bed!

    In the gaming section, Battlefield 3 has been revived once again with Trish. With the amount of teamwork and effort we put in, it was something truly amazing! This is why this game beats COD: Black Ops 2, it accomplishes the art of teamwork as well as taking down large vehicles which gives the player a sense of achievement. Don’t get me wrong though since COD does give you teamwork however it does not give as much strategic actions such as reviving teammates. There is a lot of connection and time to think in the game instead of immediate action all the time. It’s definitely a big laugh when driving into walls. In all honesty, COD beats battlefield 3 only when playing multiplayer by one self as it is fast paced and no waiting around. But this is my opinion, playing battlefield 3 on my own feels quite boring. It’s great to have that company.

    Looking ahead, I have not continued on about my story as it is work in progress. The whole concept of the story is very nice as it does not require a lot of thinking power. When I want to write, I just write it out. But when I am stuck, I tend to leave it for a few days before thinking of something good to write about.

    Moving onto Skype, my brother John and I have come up with some moving progress with the website project. I can in fact see a vision towards the project now. As the design is beginning to look better as the discussions continue, we feel like we are very close to the building phase. There still needs to be a few design tweaks so still a way to go. There even seems to be the mobile version implemented so it is getting there.

    It has been a while since I wrote a blog post but it seems like I will continue to write more in 2013. Speaking of next year, I believe that this is a vital one as it is the beginning of the first year without my ex-girlfriend. It will be a tough one as our year anniversary is about to be encountered. So Happy New Year, I hope there will be less pain but more progress! 2013 will be a BLAST!

  • Analysing…

    Looks like we dodged a bullet on the whole “end of the world” business… I guess all the websites dedicated to this day are now obsolete! But I guess we all questioned ourselves the major “what if” questions before the time came. We didn’t fear as such since there are many other stories that did not happen. It’s nice to know what others thought and we probably all treated that day as a normal day in the office… But moving on…
    So I’ve been out and about… Drinking and talking… Analysing and thinking… Finalising who I have spent time with… Understanding individuals who don’t make sense to me… It’s fairly certain that although I’ve been under a rock for 6 years, the fact remains the human life has gotten complicated. Troubles… Issues… Forever means nothing to me now. It’s strange! Friends forever? Love forever? We completely over exaggerate our words! Don’t get me wrong because I do the same but because I’ve been bought up in this world, I am part of the system. Following the crowd is not ideal, but realistically, we all follow a line and we just cannot change that fact. Maybe we’re too happy… I cannot understand everyone’s train of thought but I value them. It is a perfect example of unique. Decisions make a person who they are but judging them for that is wrong. There is no right or wrong in this world, it is merely the thought of how they feel at the heat of the moment. I have never hated someone for their judgement but I do get effected by it and questioning another’s judgement isn’t wrong as it is generally a wonder. Where do we stand? We cannot fully understand someone else’s mentality but we can just listen because all us people ever want when we’re in trouble is for someone else to listen. A response is not even necessary. Just sparing time to know that you’re there for them is a big of a gesture already.
    I decided to jump back into games a few nights ago and found it rather exhilarating last night. I won in some games but lost in some too. Was an even amount I suppose. But the fact wasn’t because I won that made it good, it was just the fact that I actually dedicated time into turning on my console and play. Speaking of games, I was given a Christmas gift! Resident Evil: Operation Racoon city! I was suppose to get this a while ago but thanks to Kirsty, that’s one off my list. I also went into investing money for a pair of headphones for my Xbox 360. I haven’t tried it just yet but I am going to give Battlefield 3 a shot with them!
    For these next few days, I need to come up with a schedule to motivate myself. I need to get back to my projects and play games more. It has all been so slow for me but I have a few New Years resolutions but I need to finalise them! It has not been a great year but I definitely need to improve myself.
    Merry Christmas you guys! Hope you are all well and have a great one! Share the experience with people who value you…

  • Thought process…

    It’s incredible when friends have your back. They were once strangers but then they become a big role in your life. I’ve spent a huge mass of time lately and met quite a few new individuals allowing me to learn more about other areas of perceptions. We all have different trains of thoughts. This is what makes everyone unique and that’s what makes it vital when one needs advice. Hearing one opinion isn’t always the best one… Because they have their own way of thinking. You need to gather several before finalising your own. You can of course make your own however, it could be very difficult. This is where I believe music comes in as a huge role in life. These artists are somewhat going in the same spiral and therefore, allows them to write amazing lyrics for others to hear them out. I wish I could write lyrics but finding the right wording and rhymes is not the way I was built so I’ll leave it to the experts. Don’t go through your life alone because you are not alone. You have others but it’s up to you whether you would like to discard them or keep them. Keeping in touch with people can be hard but make the effort.

    Productivity has been really slow lately. I haven’t done much programming in a while. I’ve been either too busy or lazy. I guess you could say this week is another week of rest and I guess I need it… Probably tonight I will just fire up one of my consoles, put my feet up and play some games. It’s been a while since I’ve done that. Mind you, my last gaming moment was on Sunday. Generally, it is really hard to motivate yourself when you have a full time job.

    So I’ve begun writing out a story as a new project. This is obviously just a mini project to see where I go with it. It is pretty much slow progress but all I do is type it out in the mornings which is why my blog posts are being released slower than usual… The story is very much in its beginning stage and it is my first time ever writing something like this. I am definitely not a writer but I’ve always wanted to type out a story and let others read it. It rather brings a projection of myself. Writing and throwing a character into a random situation teaches us new perceptions in ways we can solve them.

    Believing is very hard. Us people are so impatient. Have patience… Things will turn out right…

  • At the Christmas party!

    What a crazy night!

    Monday night involved dinner, wine and whole load of dancing! It’s strange how the people you see everyday become a whole new person when stepping out of the environment of an office… As well as me. They all saw a whole new me that night. With a whole load of talking and laughing through dinner, and downing a few glasses of wine, my mouth just kept flapping. I could not stop even if I wanted to. Something in my gut told me “let loose” and I sure did! Giving these people the opportunity to see who I really am was all I wanted and probably needed. After dinner and downing a few wine glasses, I began to raise my voice and the tables shifted for the floor to be danced upon. Knowing me, I approached it as though there was no tomorrow. I met a few new faces and people I’ve seen in the office but never spoke to them bought me to put my arm around them and just jump to the beat. At one point, I even ran into people who didn’t even work with us and telling them to dance as well! Running around like a mad man, I bumped into the bar with others about to take shots as well; one of them ended up in my face, I took it, downed it, then ran off again. I also remember knocking some guys glass to the floor forcing me to get another one for him… For this reason, the bar stopped me from ordering myself a drink. Sighs. But maybe it was for the best otherwise I would have been too wasted to remember! Jumping back to the dance floor, I ended up being lifted off the ground and thrown up in the air. People sitting down making me drag them back to the stage again. I even sat down at one point and people dragging me back on. It was a night to remember… The night ended with just a bunch of cabs!

    So generally I wonder what this night was really about. Usually, I am not this lively but this time I was. It was about time I had this much fun and forget what other people think of me. We will all be judged at least once from someone. Why be fake and sit being scared of all the judgemental eyes? It’s all about living. I am still being taught the ropes in this world and I’ll never ever learn everything. I was raised learning how important image is. Well, I’ve completely changed that train of thought! I live a more exciting way now… Although it does question where this is all leading to but as I go along, it’s written in history…

    So keep the world excited! You never know what comes tomorrow…

  • Bad news…

    Saturday morning… Not the best news I wanted to hear…

    So there I was, waking up knowing that I have passed the hours and minutes of my occasional mornings in the weekdays that I must wake to get to work. Knowing I have this amount of sleep is just the greatest feeling! But I recently heard the most harshest news. It was complete heart break… I feel betrayed. I feel like it is confirmation… And maybe the closure I need to get these feelings out of my system! I’m pretty sure that it is clear as day what I’m talking about so I won’t say directly. I thought that somewhere in the long run, we were going to work out perfectly fine. It just means you are over it. Didn’t take you long huh? I am absolutely lost. My goals are all so blurry now. I just need to be out and get rid of these feelings. I am sick and tired of feeling one thing when the other disregards your feelings! I haven’t moved one step forward… Not even one! And you? You’ve hurt me… I feel destroyed!

    Why do I do this to myself? Why am I so nice to others? Is this what happens with my good intentions? Thinking I will receive a blessing when I least expect it? I am meeting my friend. He is technically the only person who understands as he has recently experienced the same mess I’ve been through. Being out of the house just makes me take my mind off all the terrible things that currently corrodes my only thoughts that keeps me going.

    Observing such randomness happening around me just indicates that although shit is happening in my life, time goes on and as obvious as that sounds, it is sometimes hard to see that fact. Given this opportunity to see this, I understand that time heals the broken heart but sometimes, it can be expensive just sitting there wondering when you can get up and do something about it! You can sit in the corner and cry or you can get out there and smile. Do something or nothing. Pain or gain. I was going to head off home after meeting my mate and he kept saying to go out. How right he was. I decided to stay out and it was great.. Although I know I’ll think about it again, just being out with a few friends, and talking to others just made me forget for the night.

    All I ever do is try…

  • End of the world?

    End of the world? What are you saying?
    A conversation took place about the end of the world at work with theories thrown into the talk. But despite upon the hypotheticals, no matter what the situation arrives on the day, the question narrows down to just the one: “what would you do?” This was a difficult question but I had one answer which immediately came to mind! Give “her” a call to see if she is ok. I question myself why but its absolutely my only instinct I feel is certain… But what do we know? Even if its a hypothetical, it doesn’t necessarily mean we will do that particular action. As I’ve discovered, we talk, but having it executed is a new story… Although there was one guy who was persistently thinking logically and not answering the question directly, I wonder what he would do… Seriously! (You know who you are…).
    In general, thinking about what can happen is terrifying. What if it really does happen? What if my life is about to end? Have I done everything to accomplish what I need to do? I always keep thinking there is tomorrow but what if tomorrow didn’t come? I regret many things but I know for a fact that my friends and family have supported me. I guess if I had the opportunity for my last day to live, I would find everyone who listened to my story, and thank them for everything. And no… Facebook is not genuinely the way to express these feelings… Telling these specific people is very important and must be said in person… They gave advice, they shared their stories, they led me to where I am today. But more importantly, I want to thank my 6 year relationship. She really taught me just how simple life can be, how easy it is to just feel, to appreciate, and to give… And today… I have learnt to never give up! Even if it means the end of the world is approaching us…
    My mind is cramming full of thoughts. Releasing my words on here just displays a log for me to read back on. Maybe when I am in a better place in the near future, I can look back at all of it and just smile… Sometimes, I just want to head down to the fortune teller and find out my fate but knowing the end of a movie is not what life is about. Just following your instincts and hoping they are right is the only way to live… Pretty difficult to predict at the heat of the moment if you ask me… This is my way of living and whether it’s right or wrong, it becomes either a burden to my history or a positive step! People can provide some form of advice but just for direction. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to take it. Never turn your back on those who are trying to help… If anything, thank them. They don’t expect anything back, just the mere thought that somehow, they made a minor difference in their lives…
    Life can be complicated but don’t over complicate it!
    Appreciate one another… Communicate…

  • Am I following destiny?

    A beautiful dream??
    A dream is where your mind jumbles up the random visuals forming a story out of it… Right? I had a dream about her again… She was just by my side but we were running from something. I can’t quite recall what it was. Fighting for the relationship? Fear of letting go? End of the world? Whatever it was, I was happy just holding her hand… I almost can feel it all over again. 7 months?? I feel like we broke up just yesterday… I woke up thinking we were still together but what made me sad was the daunting thought that… We weren’t… It’s hard… I see visions… I see clips… What must I do just to get over it? I just can’t help but question myself if we were meant to be? 
    Everyday is a new day… Apparently. Right now, I am meeting a familiar routine. I thought I had everything resolved but it just keeps cropping up! Would you call that a new day? I think I need a change. Something that does not remind me of this road. Paths are what you make it. 
    So today, I had the opportunity to start on my online portfolio! It took me long enough as I have procrastinated for too long! My mac interface always displays Dreamweaver opened but my fingers do not want to move! Lazy much?! So I created just the simple template with CSS and HTML. This development is going super slow! I really need to up my game.
    Where has the time gone? It feels as though one minute is Monday, and then the next is Friday! It can be good in some ways but it brings the fact that time is running out and nothing is being done about it. This is definitely not a race but with all the truth I can gather onto the table, I really want to leave a footprint in this world for doing something amazing. And in my opinion, I see it as creating an application or game and allow others to use it. As simple as that! I may or may not get recognised by it but I’d be proud just knowing people around the world would appreciate it… Wouldn’t you?
    So gaming… Not even a touch. All due to the fact I have become dead tired every single day! What’s going on? If I am not being productive, maybe relieving stress with the use of gaming? Nope! My mind is not focused lately… 
    This is a little complicated for me. I’m definitely not complaining but I am wondering what my purpose in this world really is. Am I following destiny or am I doing it all wrong? In my life, I have generally rejected stuff that I thought was the right choice but now, I begin to think twice about it all… 
    One way or another, I’ll have to keep rolling forward…. Even if it could be wrong…